20 February 2013

a lettter to my mother

20 February 2013
Dear Mother:
I am writing you this letter to tell you how I feel. I am angry and I feel I have a right to be, but once I finish writing this, I will be free from this negative emotion. What I write is my opinion based on what I see and your actions.
Jealousy is a powerful and negative emotion. People can be jealous and they don’t even know it, but it comes out in their actions and the things that they say. Ever since I was little, I have always been outspoken in my writing. I knew that my words had more power when I put them on paper. I never really gave much thought to motherhood growing up. I knew that I never wanted to be married because I hated the way you and my dad treated each other. In my opinion, marriage is an emotional prison and financial suicide.
Tony and I had Simone together and while I did not and do not profess to be the world’s greatest mother, somehow you have gotten it into your head that you are in charge and you are a better mother than I am and you have done everything in your power to erase everything I have instilled in Simone starting with cutting off her dreads, feeding her unhealthy food and putting her on medication. See, I have viewed you as a weak minded person and the reason for that is you have never thought for yourself or made your own decisions, you let a “church” and another woman run your household, maybe that’s why I never really have respected you. Now, I look at you and have lost hope. For what you have done to my brother, what you have done to my father, and most of all, what you have done to my daughter and to me. You are not a good mother. I used to have a bit of pride in you, when you had pride in yourself, but you threw it all out of the window when you decided to become a real estate agent and drain everyone’s resources. You are selfish and delusional.
You are 61 years old and you have no business raising a kid especially when her mother is capable, ready and willing. I know that you think that I am not good enough. It is evident in the things that you say about me, the way that you treat me and the fact that you have absolutely ZERO trust in me. For some reason you’re still holding on to the fact that I do not have a driver’s license. I know you want me to be a failure, so you can feel justified in your feelings. The truth is, I am not and will never be a failure because I have too much confidence. I can do too many things, and I have many talents, and I will not let someone else dictate my life. I am a GROWN WOMAN, not some little kid that you can threaten. Do you think that I am scared of the police? Do you think that threatening me with calling the police is effective? YOU ARE CRAZY! Then, you ASSUME that I am taking her to visit someone in jail? Where is all of this nonsense coming from? I fear for my daughter when she is with you because you cannot handle her, and you do not monitor what she is doing. Just like you couldn’t handle me, you take her and get her medicated so you can suppress her, but let me tell you, this will not go on for too much longer. I am getting her back. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. NOT YOURS! It is not your job to police what I do with her, because she came out of my body, not yours. You need to get your own life together and work on your marriage!
Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can break apart families and cause serious harm. I have been angry at you since I was three years old. You prayed for a daughter but yet, never understood the gift that God gave you. My anger has grown more and more intense ever since you burned my writings in the barbeque pit of our house on Coolidge Avenue. I am not looking for an apology, I want you to be aware of the damage you have done and you continue to do thru my daughter. I do not appreciate you crossing boundaries. You have no business contacting Tony’s kids and trying to get to him. THIS IS NOT YOUR PLACE! You have no business taking Simone to a psychiatrist and having them experiment with medications on her. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE DAMAGE THAT YOU ARE DOING! These things you are doing, they will have to be undone, and you have no vested interest in working through the process because you have it in your mind that there in something wrong with me. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I am not and never have been a follower. I knew there was something wrong with the way I was being raised, that is why I challenged everything. You believe what Dr. Patten told you about me because you are a weak minded person, you always have been, and until you gain self-confidence, you always will be. You get a check for Simone and barely use it on her. She should be in sports, she should be in girl’s programs, and she should be in a lot more than you have done. I am so angry at you! You blame me for so much, when in reality you should be blaming yourself, because it all started with you!
 I know that you are jealous of me. You know why you are? I have no commitment to anything. I can do as I please. I do not care what other people think. I am not bound by anything but my duty to myself and MY daughter. I do not let people make me feel bad or guilty like your mother does to you. I can do it on my own and I don’t need validation from others to feel worthy. My confidence does not come from people, it comes from God. I can be brown, yellow, and blue, pink, orange; I can be anything because it is MY choice. I don’t need a man for anything, you know why? Because my father took the time to instill in me independence, and he taught me to stand of my own two feet, and he taught me to defend myself, and he taught me how to speak for myself, and he taught me to ask questions, and he taught me to engage people, and he taught me how to iron clothes, to keep a clean house, and to take care of my things, and he taught me how to study, and he taught me how to mow the lawn, and he taught me how to wash a car, and he taught me how to speak to people. YOU taught me anger, YOU taught me fear, YOU taught me doubt, YOU taught me hate, YOU taught me to give up, YOU taught me that I wasn’t good enough, and YOU taught me to blame other people, and YOU taught me low self-esteem.
I am 32 years old. I am strong, I am confident. I am a mother. I am a make-up artist. I have done make-up for weddings, a TV commercial, a music video, fashion shows and many other venues. I am a waitress. I have waited on diplomats, foreign dignitaries, politicians, filthy-rich Americans and foreigners, the mayor, Senator Boxer and her husband, celebrities, movie stars, and entertainers. I am a receptionist. I am a writer. I am gainfully employed. I am single. I have a valid driver’s license. I pay my OWN bills. I have health insurance, for myself, and for MY DAUGHTER. I have plans. I have goals. I have life insurance. I have a 401K plan. I have been published in the San Francisco Chronicle. I have been published in the Oakland Tribune. I have been published in ETC magazine produced by City College of San Francisco. I have been published by YO! Youth Outlook produced by Pacific New Service. I have been published in the Beat Within. I have been on Youth Radio and participated in panels. I have been in Berkeley Youth Orchestra two years running; I have been in Laney College Summer Orchestra three years running. I have written a book, of which someone stole one and published, which went on to be a BESTSELLER. I sued that person BY MYSELF in FEDERAL court with NO ATTORNEY and WON! I have run a 5K marathon. I have done so much! But you know what, I take responsibility for EVERYTHING that I have done, because I am not ashamed, good or bad, I have no regrets, because EVERYTHING I have done has made me the strong black woman that I am today. You think that you are going to stop me from getting my daughter back? I am here to tell you, that before the summer ends, I will have FULL CUSTODY of MY daughter SIMONE RENE BLOCKER, and I WILL NOT LET YOU STAND IN MY WAY!
I am done with the anger, the hatred, and the negative emotions, because they are in my way of success. From this point on, I am not letting my feelings towards you or what you have done to me impede my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional growth any longer. I will be successful and I will have my daughter, because I believe in God and in myself.
Despite everything, I love you.
Sincerely,
Melanie Rene

08 January 2013

project wedding

to keep a long story short, i have made amends with a lover, who so joyously, albeit trepidatiously expressed his feelings of matrimony upon me. i half expected kelly price to come out of the cuts singing "he proposed" while he dropped down on bended knee. none of that actually happened, and a gametophobic me began to toss the idea around in my head. never one for settling and always up for the chase. my inamorato is very easy on the eyes, morally sound, intelligent, spiritual, extremely well tatted, dimpled and his laugh is contagious. i could give you an outline, or perhaps a power point presentation of his lovely attributes, but then, one of you thirstmongers might attempt to seek him out for a daytime dalliance whilst i whittle away at my cumbersome venture.

still, i digress. i was not a girlchild who dreamt of becoming a princess, wearing a tiara and a big poofy white wedding dress. i did not have my entire adult life planned out by the time i was 13. in fact, i was on a totally destructive path, and although i am thrilled to have made it to the wholesome age of 32, i am a bit amazed. and now, i find myself on the precipice of a new adventure, except this time i'll have a partner with whom to share life's follies...(vicious smile)

though i love attention, i would like nothing more than to exchange nuptials at a local municipal building clad in nordstrom's finest threads with a bouquet of flowers purchased at a local flower mart, in my manicured hands. my wholesome lover isn't as thrilled about the location. upon sharing my thoughts and a photograph of the dress i would so freely give my hedonistic freedom away in, my mister took one glance at the picture and said, "it's okay" without so much as a sigh, and went back to playing subway surf new york on his 4s. after swallowing a litany of cursewords in two languages, and smoke slowing curling from between the two orfices on either side of my cerebral melon, i lay my head down on his meaty thighs and dreamed of the plane ride to our honeymoon, where i would consume several in-flight cocktails and if flying virgin america, order jellybelly jelly beans as my in-flight meal.



the mountains win again

life has been an uphill battle. mostly because i have rebelled against everything. i've also relished in the fact that i am a non-conformist. lately tho, i have come to see that falling in line isn't as bad as i thought. especially when i tried to put on my favorite jeans and couldn't get them past my thighs /: i'm a stickler for consistancy in other people, but i haven't required the same standards of myself. so, in the spirit of the new year and in the name of change i will work on my waistline, hop up on the wagon, put out my newports & my blunts and see how far i can get. after all, once you climb the mountain, it's all downhill after that.





09 December 2012

don't disturb this groove

i got this thing goin
i move to tha beat
i hear it in my head
and it resonates in my heart

this beat...
it doesn't stop
won't stop for u
there is no pause button

who said it couldn't be done
try to stop me
put on your rollerskates
ur gunna eat my dust

life...
it's never gunna be easy
once you embrace that
plot your course
and fight the good fight
and in the end...


05 December 2012

don't wake me, i'm dreaming

deep in a lucious slumber, hearing the rainfall in the distance drifting in my dream. sharp, ice cold pain swiftly courses through my feet and bringing me back to reality.

the devil incarnate, who today, doubles as a feline named george. this particular kitty has an affinity for toes that wiggle on their own, water, and doritos. my lucious slumber somehow caused my involuntary movement of my toes and george in all lf his fat glory, was there to attempt to separate my phalanges from their base.

hello lentos!

well hewwwoo there!
the weather's got me inside, snuggled down in my $39.99 ikea comforter; there that and then there's the fact that it's 12:08 AM on a tuesday. i'm bored out of my skull & out of alcohol.

alcohol sure makes things fun doesn't it? man, i've done some ballsy shit whilst intoxicated. thank god the worst thing i've ever done was go to work drunk.
intoxicated.

have you ever been served by a drunk cocktail waitress? it's a riot. they give you free drinks. they forget to order your food and bring you shit you didn't even order. i've made some of the best money after knocking back a half dozen vodka lemonades.

hey you people out there. don't forget to tip your waitress!

#itiptwentypercent

04 December 2012

display of confidence or biggest #fail


intersection of powell and post streets. blonde in a red hot ferrari is turning left onto post and a bald fat guy runs into traffic, tosses his business card into her car and clumsily jogs away.

his head glows red in the california heat...or is it embarrassment at his attempt to meet a foxy lady?